Last June, I posted about the “cosmic event” that decommissioned the main camera on board the Hubble Space Telescope (See “Hubble Memory Erased by Aliens”). Fortunately, super-intelligent humans managed to fix it from Earth two weeks later. (Take that alien scum!) Now another extraterrestrial terrorist attack has occurred: two more cameras have gone offline. And this time they may never be repaired. How could we let this happen? Don’t we realize the aliens will think they’ve won? Even if Hubble doesn’t get fixed, it looks like we’re (probably) sending some astronauts up there in 2008 to make a show of it. There is still hope. If the aliens think that sabotaging the Hubble will do any serious damage to humanity, then maybe they’ll be stupid enough to think we’re actually fixing it.

(Surely I jest. Of course the information gathered by the Hubble could have huge implications for humanity. But have we seen them yet? Seriously, feel free to comment. Even I am not completely sure whether I’m pro- or anti-Hubble right now…)

Could hippies be less prone to prostate cancer than yuppies? A new drug that may stimulate the potentially cancer-fighting effects of sunlight has entered phase II trials for the treatment of prostate cancer. Sunlight stimulates vitamin D production in the skin, which has been found to improve the prognosis of patients with certain types of cancer. Vitamin D can also be taken orally, but the levels which are required to fight cancer can be toxic. The new drug provides 50-100 times more vitamin D than can safely be administered with current formulations. If the trial goes smoothly, the pill will be available in 2009. In the meantime, spending your day playing barefoot frisbee in the park is sounding a lot better than spending it hunting down that perfect chaise lounge you swear you saw at Pottery Barn. Or Crate & Barrel. Or maybe it was Restoration Hardware?

New research has found that black diamonds, or carbonato diamonds, are of extraterrestrial origin. All other known types of diamonds were formed deep within the Earth and are mined from the volcanic rock which transports them to the surface. Black diamonds, however, are not found alongside other diamonds and are found only in Brazil and the Central African Republic. The researchers determined that black diamonds contained increased hydrogen content, supporting the previous hypothesis that black diamonds were formed in supernovae. Supernovae are stellar explosions which produce extremely bright balls of plasma, often briefly outshining whole galaxies before fading to obscurity. When black diamonds reached Earth, they were an astronomic size of one kilometer or greater. So, what better way to affirm your cosmic connection than proposing with an oversized black diamond solitaire? No need to worry your intergalactic soul mate with the factoid that black diamonds are in fact cheaper than most other diamonds. And really, who cares when you could wear a piece of a fallen star on your hand? That’s got to be good luck.

A new study shows that Paxil is an effective therapy for hypochondria. Paxil (paroxetine HCl) is an anti-anxiety drug used to treat depression and various anxiety disorders. Patients who took Paxil or participated in behavioural therapy were found to have less fear about undiagnosed illnesses than those who took sugar pills. The study was funded by Glaxo SmithKline, the company that makes Paxil. Other studies funded by Glaxo SmithKline include: Paxil: A Cure for Irrational Fear of Man-Eating Leopard-Backed Foot Lice?, Investigating the Uses of Paxil to Treat Paranoid Anvil-Spotting Disorder, and Effects of Paxil on a Father’s Fear of Cardiac Birth Defects in His Unborn Children. That last one is critically important for winning back lost customers since Paxil use by pregnant women was shown to increase the risk of those same birth defects (details on the lawsuit here).

In a previous post, I expounded upon the use, toxicity and history of Botox (botulinum toxin), miracle drug and insanely potent food-borne toxin. To summarize, Botox is a diluted form of botulinum toxin, which is produced by a soil bacterium that sometimes turns up in foods, and can cause paralysis and death. Although the drug was made famous by its cosmetic use, it turns out to be an effective treatment for many things from spasmodic dysphonia to anal fissures to (potentially) depression. Given my apparent interest in the subject, I thought I’d add a new use for Botox to the list: it has now been found to be a promising therapy for writer’s cramp, the painful hand cramping resulting from too much writing or other repetitive activities using the hands. I for one routinely suffered from writer’s cramp in college. As an avid note-taker, I would sometimes wake up in the middle of the night with throbbing hand pain. So, if there are any college students left that still write by hand, Botox could be an excellent therapy.

As for me, I’ve now switched to typing pretty much everything, so I’d benefit much more from a cure for writer’s block than for writer’s cramp. My most recent plan to finish my novel involved recruiting an army of monkeys with typewriters. Unfortunately, that plan turned out to be wrought with challenges, the foremost of which was the alarming predisposition of typing monkeys to develop typewriter-related hand cramps, and my utter lack of funds for monkey-hand cramp Botox therapy. The whole thing turned out to be a nightmare once the animal rights activists got word of my plan from the miniature typewriter manufacturer. Needless to say, I’m back to the drawing board.

The first ever video of a giant squid was released in December. Unfortunately, the squid was killed while being hauled aboard the Japanese research vessel that captured it. Researchers have been unable to find live giant squid until recently and have relied on partially decomposed specimens that have washed ashore or have been found in the stomachs of whales and sharks. The squid in the video is only 24 feet long, which is small compared to the length of the longest giant squid on record (60 feet!). While it’s sad that the squid in the video died, new estimates show that the species is probably not in danger. They’re a primary food source for sperm whales, and based on estimates of the sperm whale population, there are probably at least 200,000 giant squids. If giant squid are so big, why can’t we find them? One theory is that they’re camera shy. My theory is that they’re too too big-headed to want to slum on home videos… Or is that big-mantled?

On a sadder note, the Baiji river dolphin was declared functionally extinct in December. I became a fan of the Baiji via Douglas Adams‘ 1990 naturalist masterpiece Last Chance to See, where Adams and zoologist Mark Carwardine document their journey to visit highly endangered species around the world. Douglas Adams visited the polluted Yangtze River, the home of the Baiji, and discussed the species which was threatened not only by pollution, but due to hunting, fishing, collisions with boats, habitat loss, and severe depression. (Okay, I’m just guessing about that last one.) In Last Chance to See, Douglas Adams wrote, “The great thing about being the only species that makes a distinction between right and wrong, is that we can make up the rules for ourselves as we go along.” So, RIP, Baiji friends - someday we’ll either make better choices, or join you on the extinct list.

And, from things that have ended to things that might never existed, I wonder, what do you know about the Loch Ness monster? You might know that Nessie is rumored to be a plesiosaur. In December, a well-preserved fossil of a juvenile plesiosaur was uncovered in Antarctica. While a believable theory is that a massive volcanic eruption may have enabled the exceptional preservation of the skeleton, nine out of ten conspiracy theorists agree that it must be a hoax. Could a young Loch Ness plesiosaur have died and been buried to cover up the existence of a herd of Nessies in Scotland? Could this all have to do with a plot to allow dinosaurs to once more inherit the earth after the impending nuclear holocaust? Probably not, but it would make a pretty awesome B-movie. (Directors, please contact me for more exciting plot details!)

And a personal note: I apologize that December wasn’t a very active month for this blog. The holidays have been awesome, and now I’m looking forward to some great new stuff here at Attack of the Monkey in 2007! I hope you can come back for lots more scienterrific posts!