Here are the top 5 stories that have me sitting in a bunker wearing an aluminum foil hat this week. Thank god for cable internet!

5. An enormous and bizarre hexagon has been spotted hovering over Saturn’s surface. Scientists are baffled. I’ll wager that it’s an environmentally-engineered biodome for Saturners who survived the prehistoric destruction of the planet’s ecosystem. Inside, they are developing spacecraft and weapons which they will use to steal our planet and suck the living souls from our flesh.
4. Pulses of yellow light have been shown to reversibly “silence” brain cells. Scientists hope that this technology can be used to treat diseases such as epilepsy and Parkinson’s disease, which are caused by excess neural activity. I don’t buy this whole “yellow light for fighting disease” story. It seems apparent to me that they are developing mind-controlling yellow light laser guns to turn us into zombie cavalry to send to Saturn to annihilate those soul-sucking aliens.
3. Using new models, British scientists have found that among the countries most at risk for asteroid impacts are China, the U.S. and Japan. Modelling asteroid impact, or engineering British global domination? Why else would they study the precise human and economic impacts of an “asteroid” (read: nuclear missile) impact?
2. An extremely rare, long-whiskered owl was spotted in the wild for the first time in Peru. The small, strange-looking owl was unknown until 1978 and had previously only been found caught in nets that had been left out at night. Or could it be a genetically-engineered biobot spy, designed to infiltrate conservation circles, converting unsuspecting environmentalists into avid and wasteful consumers?
1. A new antidepression initiative in England will make computer-based therapy available to the entire population starting in April 2007. Or have the computers finally convinced the health officials that this is a good idea? If I were a computer (clearly bent on global domination), I wouldn’t be trying to cheer these mildly depressed people up. I would be using my supercomputer powers to manipulate the humans to do my bidding by building a massive titanium robot body which I could remotely control to rule London by force. Wouldn’t you?