A new study has found that not all alcoholics are alike, and has identified five subtypes of alcoholics. I’m not sure how they defined an alcoholic in the survey, but the researchers say that many alcoholics are young adults, and that 20 percent of alcoholics are functional and well-educated with good incomes. I would call these two groups 1) college students, and 2) social adults. But then, I’m Irish.

So, can you find five friends in this list?

• Young Adult subtype: 31.5 percent of U.S. alcoholics. Young adult drinkers, with relatively low rates of co-occurring substance abuse and other mental disorders, a low rate of family alcoholism, and who rarely seek any kind of help for their drinking.
• Young Antisocial subtype: 21 percent of U.S. alcoholics. Tend to be in their mid-twenties, had early onset of regular drinking, and alcohol problems. More than half come from families with alcoholism, and about half have a psychiatric diagnosis of Antisocial Personality Disorder. Many have major depression, bipolar disorder, and anxiety problems. More than 75 percent smoked cigarettes and marijuana, and many also had cocaine and opiate addictions. More than one-third of these alcoholics seek help for their drinking.
• Functional subtype: 19.5 percent of U.S. alcoholics. Typically middle-aged, well-educated, with stable jobs and families. About one-third have a multigenerational family history of alcoholism, about one-quarter had major depressive illness sometime in their lives, and nearly 50 percent were smokers.
• Intermediate Familial subtype: 19 percent of U.S. alcoholics. Middle-aged, with about 50 percent from families with multigenerational alcoholism. Almost half have had clinical depression, and 20 percent have had bipolar disorder. Most of these individuals smoked cigarettes, and nearly one in five had problems with cocaine and marijuana use. Only 25 percent ever sought treatment for their problem drinking.
• Chronic Severe subtype: 9 percent of U.S. alcoholics. Comprised mostly of middle-aged individuals who had early onset of drinking and alcohol problems, with high rates of Antisocial Personality Disorder and criminality. Almost 80 percent come from families with multigenerational alcoholism. They have the highest rates of other psychiatric disorders including depression, bipolar disorder, and anxiety disorders as well as high rates of smoking, and marijuana, cocaine, and opiate dependence. Two-thirds of these alcoholics seek help for their drinking problems, making them the most prevalent type of alcoholic in treatment.

Not to make light of alcoholism, but this reminded me of yet another T-shirt:

Here are the top 5 stories that have me sitting in a bunker wearing an aluminum foil hat this week. Thank god for cable internet!

5. An enormous and bizarre hexagon has been spotted hovering over Saturn’s surface. Scientists are baffled. I’ll wager that it’s an environmentally-engineered biodome for Saturners who survived the prehistoric destruction of the planet’s ecosystem. Inside, they are developing spacecraft and weapons which they will use to steal our planet and suck the living souls from our flesh.
4. Pulses of yellow light have been shown to reversibly “silence” brain cells. Scientists hope that this technology can be used to treat diseases such as epilepsy and Parkinson’s disease, which are caused by excess neural activity. I don’t buy this whole “yellow light for fighting disease” story. It seems apparent to me that they are developing mind-controlling yellow light laser guns to turn us into zombie cavalry to send to Saturn to annihilate those soul-sucking aliens.
3. Using new models, British scientists have found that among the countries most at risk for asteroid impacts are China, the U.S. and Japan. Modelling asteroid impact, or engineering British global domination? Why else would they study the precise human and economic impacts of an “asteroid” (read: nuclear missile) impact?
2. An extremely rare, long-whiskered owl was spotted in the wild for the first time in Peru. The small, strange-looking owl was unknown until 1978 and had previously only been found caught in nets that had been left out at night. Or could it be a genetically-engineered biobot spy, designed to infiltrate conservation circles, converting unsuspecting environmentalists into avid and wasteful consumers?
1. A new antidepression initiative in England will make computer-based therapy available to the entire population starting in April 2007. Or have the computers finally convinced the health officials that this is a good idea? If I were a computer (clearly bent on global domination), I wouldn’t be trying to cheer these mildly depressed people up. I would be using my supercomputer powers to manipulate the humans to do my bidding by building a massive titanium robot body which I could remotely control to rule London by force. Wouldn’t you?

A new study shows that Paxil is an effective therapy for hypochondria. Paxil (paroxetine HCl) is an anti-anxiety drug used to treat depression and various anxiety disorders. Patients who took Paxil or participated in behavioural therapy were found to have less fear about undiagnosed illnesses than those who took sugar pills. The study was funded by Glaxo SmithKline, the company that makes Paxil. Other studies funded by Glaxo SmithKline include: Paxil: A Cure for Irrational Fear of Man-Eating Leopard-Backed Foot Lice?, Investigating the Uses of Paxil to Treat Paranoid Anvil-Spotting Disorder, and Effects of Paxil on a Father’s Fear of Cardiac Birth Defects in His Unborn Children. That last one is critically important for winning back lost customers since Paxil use by pregnant women was shown to increase the risk of those same birth defects (details on the lawsuit here).

In a previous post, I expounded upon the use, toxicity and history of Botox (botulinum toxin), miracle drug and insanely potent food-borne toxin. To summarize, Botox is a diluted form of botulinum toxin, which is produced by a soil bacterium that sometimes turns up in foods, and can cause paralysis and death. Although the drug was made famous by its cosmetic use, it turns out to be an effective treatment for many things from spasmodic dysphonia to anal fissures to (potentially) depression. Given my apparent interest in the subject, I thought I’d add a new use for Botox to the list: it has now been found to be a promising therapy for writer’s cramp, the painful hand cramping resulting from too much writing or other repetitive activities using the hands. I for one routinely suffered from writer’s cramp in college. As an avid note-taker, I would sometimes wake up in the middle of the night with throbbing hand pain. So, if there are any college students left that still write by hand, Botox could be an excellent therapy.

As for me, I’ve now switched to typing pretty much everything, so I’d benefit much more from a cure for writer’s block than for writer’s cramp. My most recent plan to finish my novel involved recruiting an army of monkeys with typewriters. Unfortunately, that plan turned out to be wrought with challenges, the foremost of which was the alarming predisposition of typing monkeys to develop typewriter-related hand cramps, and my utter lack of funds for monkey-hand cramp Botox therapy. The whole thing turned out to be a nightmare once the animal rights activists got word of my plan from the miniature typewriter manufacturer. Needless to say, I’m back to the drawing board.

A new study has found that one in eleven internet addicts tries to conceal the habit. The rest are either porn-addicts or bloggers (or porn-bloggers. Urgh). Us bloggers are just so excited about our online exploits that we recycle what we like online by blogging it. And then we blog about blogging. And if we’re really crazy, we start blogs about blogs, blogs that track what other blogs are saying about blogs, and blogs to blog about our other blogs that talk about bloggers blogging. Bloggedy blog blog.

Using a new technique, doctors have found that a patient in a vegetative state can understand speech and respond by thinking about certain tasks upon request. The doctors used functional magnetic resonance imaging, or fMRI, to map the brain patterns of the patient, who is in a vegetative state by any other definition. When asked to imagine that she was playing tennis or performing other specific tasks, her brain scan showed that she activated the same regions of her brain as fully conscious subjects visualizing the same tasks. Crazy! Although participating in this test can’t have been fun, it had to beat sitting in a bed all day thinking, “AAAAAAAH!”

Could we be one step closer to the Futurama world, where humans can live forever by having their heads mounted on robots? Check out the eerie resemblence of the Einsteinbot, presented at last weekend’s Next Fest.

After a botulism scare in Georgia, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration is reminding people to make sure to refrigerate their carrot juice. Botulism is caused by botulinum toxin, which is produced by soil bacteria that can survive in the carrot juice even after pasteurization. When carrot juice is left at room temperature for extended periods of time, the toxin can be produced and can cause botulism when the juice is consumed. So, if you’re experiencing double-vision, droopy eyes, or paralysis, and you’ve recently had some carrot juice that you opened and left on the kitchen counter for a month, you just might have botulism. Go to the emergency room. Now.
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Apparently up to 4% of the population may hear voices in their heads, but some perceive it as a positive experience while others perceive it negatively. I guess some of us just use our mental illnesses for good instead of evil. What’s that, Brain? You want me to stop blogging on the Metro and read some normal news? Hmmm.

Burning incense is bad your your health, whether you’re a Catholic or a college kid. Burning incense and candles were shown to increase concentrations of dangerous particulates in the air of a Catholic Church on Christmas Eve. Levels of the worst class of particulates, which can cause problems with the heart, lungs and arteries, were found at levels up to nine times above background particulate levels. So there’s some ammo for next time you want to skip out on church to get some sleep, play some GTA, or eat some shrimp grits. Just don’t tell me about the shrimp grits.

Even babies can do math. So get over yourself, mathophobes. No really, 6 to 9 month olds were shown to be able to detect errors in simple arithmetic. Not quite , but pretty impressive for kids that aren’t old enough to think twice before crapping themselves.

We’re one step closer to Gleemonex. Scientists have created a breed of mice that are permanently “cheerful”. The first thing that I wondered was, how did they know the mice’s disposition? Apparently, after a series of electrophysiological and biochemical tests to gauge depression, the happy breed tested as if they’d been treated with antidepressants for three weeks. Unfortunately, the word “electrophysiological” doesn’t exactly have that “cheerful” ring to it. Next time, I’d like to see the mice dancing to “Funkytown“.

Here’s some good news for couch potato kids: watching TV has now been shown to act as a painkiller. A new study shows that children who watched cartoons while having blood taken reported less pain than those who were actively distracted by being soothed by their parents. How far do these narcotic effects of TV watching extend? Parents may soon be sitting their kids in front of the tube for every cut and scrape. Couch potato kids will throw themselves to the pavement for the sweet reward of more Sponge Bob.

And if that’s not enough to get you scared for the kiddies, it appears that some video games might actually improve social skills. A study argues that MMOs (massively multilayer online video games) helped to build bridges between players with different world views. The researchers admit that, while the games may not create close emotional bonds between players, the benefits of exposure to different kinds of people enhance their sociability. So, if you have a kid that’s addicted to Second Life, or some other MMO crack, you need not only worry about internet porn, but recruitment to random cults, scientology, and Al Qaeda. So keep this in mind in case DHS is suddenly banging down your door.