Would you like to start with a beverage? New studies shed light on what fluids you may or may not want to imbibe next time you’re out.

• Drinking soda - regular or diet - on a regular basis is linked to an increased risk of metabolic syndrome. Metabolic syndrome is a group of disorders that elevate one’s risk to health problems such as heart disease and diabetes. Against my better judgement, I’m going to pretend that Sugar-Free Red Bull doesn’t count as soda.
• Drinking malt liquor may be linked to marijuana use. But this doesn’t answer the age-old question, OE 800 or Colt 45?
• Drinking coffee and exercising may prevent skin cancer. Unfortunately for me, this only works with moderate amounts of caffeine, and they haven’t still come up with Liquid Exercise (although I’m sure someone is working on it, so I italicize to prevent the need for future updating).
• Drinking orange juice is good for diabetics, despite its high sugar content. The flavonoids contained in O.J. cancel out the oxidative damage caused by the excess sugar. Unfortunately, orange juice still has plenty of calories, so make sure it’s part of a balanced diet, kids.
• Drinking Ovaltine is good for you. Okay, that’s not science news. I was just excited because I finally solved my secret decoder ring.

Does that help? Does this?

A new study has found that not all alcoholics are alike, and has identified five subtypes of alcoholics. I’m not sure how they defined an alcoholic in the survey, but the researchers say that many alcoholics are young adults, and that 20 percent of alcoholics are functional and well-educated with good incomes. I would call these two groups 1) college students, and 2) social adults. But then, I’m Irish.

So, can you find five friends in this list?

• Young Adult subtype: 31.5 percent of U.S. alcoholics. Young adult drinkers, with relatively low rates of co-occurring substance abuse and other mental disorders, a low rate of family alcoholism, and who rarely seek any kind of help for their drinking.
• Young Antisocial subtype: 21 percent of U.S. alcoholics. Tend to be in their mid-twenties, had early onset of regular drinking, and alcohol problems. More than half come from families with alcoholism, and about half have a psychiatric diagnosis of Antisocial Personality Disorder. Many have major depression, bipolar disorder, and anxiety problems. More than 75 percent smoked cigarettes and marijuana, and many also had cocaine and opiate addictions. More than one-third of these alcoholics seek help for their drinking.
• Functional subtype: 19.5 percent of U.S. alcoholics. Typically middle-aged, well-educated, with stable jobs and families. About one-third have a multigenerational family history of alcoholism, about one-quarter had major depressive illness sometime in their lives, and nearly 50 percent were smokers.
• Intermediate Familial subtype: 19 percent of U.S. alcoholics. Middle-aged, with about 50 percent from families with multigenerational alcoholism. Almost half have had clinical depression, and 20 percent have had bipolar disorder. Most of these individuals smoked cigarettes, and nearly one in five had problems with cocaine and marijuana use. Only 25 percent ever sought treatment for their problem drinking.
• Chronic Severe subtype: 9 percent of U.S. alcoholics. Comprised mostly of middle-aged individuals who had early onset of drinking and alcohol problems, with high rates of Antisocial Personality Disorder and criminality. Almost 80 percent come from families with multigenerational alcoholism. They have the highest rates of other psychiatric disorders including depression, bipolar disorder, and anxiety disorders as well as high rates of smoking, and marijuana, cocaine, and opiate dependence. Two-thirds of these alcoholics seek help for their drinking problems, making them the most prevalent type of alcoholic in treatment.

Not to make light of alcoholism, but this reminded me of yet another T-shirt:

The FDA has issued a recall for popular snack food Veggie Bootie, part of the line of Pirate’s Booty snack foods made by Robert’s American Gourmet. The products may contain Salmonella, which can cause diARRRRhea, also known to pirates as Shiver Me Britches. The company is assuring customers that its other products are safe, which is great for me, because I just ate some Pirate’s Cannon Balls the other day, and they blew a bung hole in me mind.

In other news, I’m thinking of buying this awesome T-shirt.

Due to globalization, the blond and redhead genes may disappear in a few generations. No worries though, there will still be plenty of bleach and hairdye to keep you guessing. It’s unfortunate that the homogenizing effect of globalization is extending into our DNA. Any intervention, however, would constitute eugenics, and I certainly hope we never go that route. Rather than ramble on about the situation, I have composed the following haiku.

Redheaded step-kid.
Sadly, your hand-me-down genes
Will wear away soon.

After a slight bout of blogger’s block, I present to you the top 5 science stories I should have posted about these past two weeks:

5. Salmonella outbreak linked to peanut butter. And watch what you do with that jelly, will you?
4. Ocean discovered deep within Earth. Or haven’t you heard? And yet, if the ocean was found on Mars, Bush would have detailed half the State Department there to set up a marina and golf course.
3. MIT student invents wall-crawling device. Next, a Harvard student will invent and put to use a wall lubricant, causing the MIT student to become injured falling from Boston’s highest building. Next, the Harvard student will follow the limping MIT student to his superhero hideout, only to cleverly capture him in an elaborate scheme that will result in his slow, yet imminent demise. Zoinks, audience, will our hero be rescued? The riveting tale will continue after these messages…
2. A new symbol for radiation danger has been developed:
   Or does it mean “get the hell out of the way when a UFO is firing lasers at you, or those soulless aliens will zap the living flesh from your body and you will be reduced to a pile of rubble with only your skull intact”?

1. And, although it’s not really science, I find myself unable to avoid commenting on Astronaut Lisa Nowak’s apparent decline into jealous stalking and lovesick insanity. I attended a panel discussion featuring Lisa Nowak and the rest of the STS-121 crew prior to my September ‘06 post, Astronauts Are Cool, and I stand by that assessment. She was cool. And funny, intelligent and collected. It was these qualities (and a nice supply of diapers) that drove her from Texas to Florida to hunt down the woman who did her wrong. Yes, Lisa Nowak was misguided and led solely by her emotions, but this is a woman who was willing to risk her life by travelling into space in the spirit of exploration. And she was equipped with only nonlethal weapons: a pellet gun, pepper spray, and a really terrible outfit. So really, she meant no harm. She just wanted to kick that love-stealing woman’s butt, astronaut style. And if a male astronaut had acted the same way, it likely wouldn’t have even made the local news.

Could hippies be less prone to prostate cancer than yuppies? A new drug that may stimulate the potentially cancer-fighting effects of sunlight has entered phase II trials for the treatment of prostate cancer. Sunlight stimulates vitamin D production in the skin, which has been found to improve the prognosis of patients with certain types of cancer. Vitamin D can also be taken orally, but the levels which are required to fight cancer can be toxic. The new drug provides 50-100 times more vitamin D than can safely be administered with current formulations. If the trial goes smoothly, the pill will be available in 2009. In the meantime, spending your day playing barefoot frisbee in the park is sounding a lot better than spending it hunting down that perfect chaise lounge you swear you saw at Pottery Barn. Or Crate & Barrel. Or maybe it was Restoration Hardware?

In a previous post, I expounded upon the use, toxicity and history of Botox (botulinum toxin), miracle drug and insanely potent food-borne toxin. To summarize, Botox is a diluted form of botulinum toxin, which is produced by a soil bacterium that sometimes turns up in foods, and can cause paralysis and death. Although the drug was made famous by its cosmetic use, it turns out to be an effective treatment for many things from spasmodic dysphonia to anal fissures to (potentially) depression. Given my apparent interest in the subject, I thought I’d add a new use for Botox to the list: it has now been found to be a promising therapy for writer’s cramp, the painful hand cramping resulting from too much writing or other repetitive activities using the hands. I for one routinely suffered from writer’s cramp in college. As an avid note-taker, I would sometimes wake up in the middle of the night with throbbing hand pain. So, if there are any college students left that still write by hand, Botox could be an excellent therapy.

As for me, I’ve now switched to typing pretty much everything, so I’d benefit much more from a cure for writer’s block than for writer’s cramp. My most recent plan to finish my novel involved recruiting an army of monkeys with typewriters. Unfortunately, that plan turned out to be wrought with challenges, the foremost of which was the alarming predisposition of typing monkeys to develop typewriter-related hand cramps, and my utter lack of funds for monkey-hand cramp Botox therapy. The whole thing turned out to be a nightmare once the animal rights activists got word of my plan from the miniature typewriter manufacturer. Needless to say, I’m back to the drawing board.

A new study reports that a compound found in red wine may protect against the effects of aging in mammals. In the study, overfed mice that were given the compound resveratrol did not experience many of the ill effects of obesity, including early death. The compound was found to activate a group of genes involved in reducing the effects of aging. To get the equivalent of the levels of resveratrol that the mice received in this study, one would need to consume about 100 glasses of red wine per day. That’s only 20 bottles. Are you up for the longevity challenge?

For a slightly safer (but less fun) approach, the compound is also available as a supplement. The researchers warn that consuming resveratrol at the levels used in this study has not been shown to be safe for humans, but a few of them also admitted that they are tempted to start taking the supplement themselves. I personally find the whole idea difficult to argue with. If wining and dining are the key to longevity, how much better could life get? Just throw in a bikini and some skinny pills, and I’m there till 2100. (Disclaimer: I am clearly not a health professional.)

I feel the need to follow up on this post, which is over two months old. It discusses reports by public health experts that the health benefits of eating fish greatly outweigh the risks. So, guess what has been all over the health news this week? Reports that the health benefits of eating fish greatly outweigh the risks! The reports are based on two new comprehensive reviews of the health effects of seafood consumption.

While I have no problem with eating fish for health reasons, I still have doubts about the long term health effects of toxics which can accumulate in fish tissues. My main concern, however, is that increased seafood consumption could result in increased seafood harvest, impacting our delicate and threatened marine ecosystems in yet unknown ways. There are many initiatives underway to educate consumers on environmentally sound seafood choices. What we really need is a comprehensive assessment of which seafoods are safest for human consumption while also having minimal environmental impacts (efforts are underway, such as this one, which lists the Dungeness crab as the safest seafood). Until we know what is best for our health and the environment, I’m sticking to tofu. At least soybeans can’t blink at you. Well, not yet. Monsanto may be working on it.

As painful as it, stepping on a scale every day can help keep dieters keep the weight off. That is assuming you’re the type of person who will start dieting and exercising upon seeing that you’ve gained a few pounds, rather than going into a depressive downward spiral of binge eating pudding and Cheetos while watching 80’s movie marathons. For better results, wear a scale around your neck, Flava Flav style.