Science Idol is an editorial cartoon contest for cartoons about science and politics sponsored by the Union of Concerned Scientists. Check out the 12 finalists and vote here (voting closes on July 23, 2007).

Here are the top 5 stories that have me sitting in a bunker wearing an aluminum foil hat this week. Thank god for cable internet!

5. An enormous and bizarre hexagon has been spotted hovering over Saturn’s surface. Scientists are baffled. I’ll wager that it’s an environmentally-engineered biodome for Saturners who survived the prehistoric destruction of the planet’s ecosystem. Inside, they are developing spacecraft and weapons which they will use to steal our planet and suck the living souls from our flesh.
4. Pulses of yellow light have been shown to reversibly “silence” brain cells. Scientists hope that this technology can be used to treat diseases such as epilepsy and Parkinson’s disease, which are caused by excess neural activity. I don’t buy this whole “yellow light for fighting disease” story. It seems apparent to me that they are developing mind-controlling yellow light laser guns to turn us into zombie cavalry to send to Saturn to annihilate those soul-sucking aliens.
3. Using new models, British scientists have found that among the countries most at risk for asteroid impacts are China, the U.S. and Japan. Modelling asteroid impact, or engineering British global domination? Why else would they study the precise human and economic impacts of an “asteroid” (read: nuclear missile) impact?
2. An extremely rare, long-whiskered owl was spotted in the wild for the first time in Peru. The small, strange-looking owl was unknown until 1978 and had previously only been found caught in nets that had been left out at night. Or could it be a genetically-engineered biobot spy, designed to infiltrate conservation circles, converting unsuspecting environmentalists into avid and wasteful consumers?
1. A new antidepression initiative in England will make computer-based therapy available to the entire population starting in April 2007. Or have the computers finally convinced the health officials that this is a good idea? If I were a computer (clearly bent on global domination), I wouldn’t be trying to cheer these mildly depressed people up. I would be using my supercomputer powers to manipulate the humans to do my bidding by building a massive titanium robot body which I could remotely control to rule London by force. Wouldn’t you?

After a slight bout of blogger’s block, I present to you the top 5 science stories I should have posted about these past two weeks:

5. Salmonella outbreak linked to peanut butter. And watch what you do with that jelly, will you?
4. Ocean discovered deep within Earth. Or haven’t you heard? And yet, if the ocean was found on Mars, Bush would have detailed half the State Department there to set up a marina and golf course.
3. MIT student invents wall-crawling device. Next, a Harvard student will invent and put to use a wall lubricant, causing the MIT student to become injured falling from Boston’s highest building. Next, the Harvard student will follow the limping MIT student to his superhero hideout, only to cleverly capture him in an elaborate scheme that will result in his slow, yet imminent demise. Zoinks, audience, will our hero be rescued? The riveting tale will continue after these messages…
2. A new symbol for radiation danger has been developed:
   Or does it mean “get the hell out of the way when a UFO is firing lasers at you, or those soulless aliens will zap the living flesh from your body and you will be reduced to a pile of rubble with only your skull intact”?

1. And, although it’s not really science, I find myself unable to avoid commenting on Astronaut Lisa Nowak’s apparent decline into jealous stalking and lovesick insanity. I attended a panel discussion featuring Lisa Nowak and the rest of the STS-121 crew prior to my September ‘06 post, Astronauts Are Cool, and I stand by that assessment. She was cool. And funny, intelligent and collected. It was these qualities (and a nice supply of diapers) that drove her from Texas to Florida to hunt down the woman who did her wrong. Yes, Lisa Nowak was misguided and led solely by her emotions, but this is a woman who was willing to risk her life by travelling into space in the spirit of exploration. And she was equipped with only nonlethal weapons: a pellet gun, pepper spray, and a really terrible outfit. So really, she meant no harm. She just wanted to kick that love-stealing woman’s butt, astronaut style. And if a male astronaut had acted the same way, it likely wouldn’t have even made the local news.

Bad news: Earth is farting 40,000 year old gases. And it’s caused by global warming. And it’s accelerating global warming. It’s caused by global warming because the gases have been sequestered in the permafrost in Northern Siberia, which are melting due to the warming climate. It’s accelerating global warming because it’s methane, which is twenty times more potent as a greenhouse gas than carbon dioxide. So, global warming leads to the release of methane, which leads to global warming. It’s a viscous cycle.

More bad news: We’re approaching a “tipping point” in climate change. In case the term “tipping point” is not descriptive enough, I’ll give you an analogy. Imagine that earth has been teetering over a kettle of boiling water. Suddenly, one little finger of one tiny hand gives it the teeniest of nudges and … ouch! We fall in. While that is possibly a bit of an exaggeration, research suggests that greenhouse gas levels in the atmosphere are approaching a level at which the rate will begin to increase drastically and, most likely, uncontrollably.

Terrifying, right? Global warming is our biggest terror threat. If we can have a War on Terror, can’t we at least fight to save our planet?

California is now the first state to approve a plan to combat global warming. The plan will cap their greenhouse gas emissions in 2020 to the level of emissions in 1990. In accordance with this, Paris Hilton has announced that she will cap her media exposure to 1990 levels as well. Thank you, music gods.

Soon there will be even more ads in video games. Electronic Arts had teamed up with two online advertising firms to place ads in video games which will be constantly updated from the internet. Soon, when you’re beating someone up in GTA you’ll have your choice of which brand baseball bat to use, Nike or Rawlings, and you can listen to Top 50 hits in you stolen ‘08 Ford Mustang.

The SMART-1 probe, a European Space Agency (ESA) probe which orbited the moon collecting images and data for three years, will crash land there at 7,200 km per hour tonight around 2:00 AM EDT. Amatuer astronomers can watch this from earth - it’s like watching World’s Most Outrageous Car Crashes for geeks.

I recently saw a talk by Andrew E. Dessler, author of The Science and Politics of Global Climate Change. Dessler discusses the arguments for and against taking actions to reduce green house gas emissions. He provides evidence showing that most people who value their credibility will not argue against the proven facts that the earth is warming and that some of the change is human-induced. Instead they will argue that, given the uncertainty of the situation, the nation cannot reasonably take actions to prevent emissions.

One of the best arguments cites The One Percent Doctrine, a book by Ron Suskind named for Dick Cheney’s declaration that “We have to deal with this new type of threat in a way we haven’t yet defined. . . . With a low-probability, high-impact event like this . . . If there’s a one percent chance that Pakistani scientists are helping al Qaeda build or develop a nuclear weapon, we have to treat it as a certainty in terms of our response.” Therefore, if there is a one-percent chance of a nuclear attack, we should take action.

So, what are the chances that the global climate is warming? The chances (discussed by Dessler) are far greater, perhaps 20 to 50 percent. The dangers of global warming have been shown: wildfires, droughts, extreme weather events. Why, then, is the US government not taking action to prevent these disasters?

One problem is that the public doesn’t feel a sense of urgency to prevent global warming. People are more concerned with the immediate dangers of other threats, such as avian flu or terrorism. Someone suggested that the dead polar bear should be the mascot to get the public thinking about the dangers of global warming. It seems that Greenpeace has. Perhaps it would be more effective if it went something like this:

This polar bear died from:
a) terrorism 
b) avian flu 
c) gay marriage 
d) flag burning 
e) global warming 

It might be more accurate to say that the polar bear died from poor leadership by our short-sighted politicians.

Wal-Mart is starting a campaign to be more eco-friendly. This could be considered green-washing, but it comes from a greater understanding of a new reality: Global warming is bad for business. And companies can save money by being green. So hate them or not (just don’t love them), but they are market leaders and this could represent a turning tide in sustainable business.

Check out this excellent column on the greening of Wal-Mart from the San Francisco Gate. Just remember, Wal-Mart will always be the devil: “[Wal-Marts] are the George Bushes of the retail world - drunk with power, cheaply made and full of crap.”

People who have suffered life’s hard knocks while growing up tend to be more gullible than those who have been more sheltered. No wonder I’m so gullible, I was raised by wolverines in the Gobi Desert who ate the baby that I conceived with Elvis when I was 13…

Vegans are five times less likely to concieve twins than non-vegans. Of course due to the consumption of hormones in dairy. I am torn between my desire to have twins and my despise of the goddamn chemicals that are being pumped into my system due to my love of cheese.

Snow pack on mountain tops will be drastically diminished by the end of the century, causing major water resource issues for the affected populations. Time to start mining ice on Mars!

Schizophrenia limits understanding of body language. But no one can misinterpret the language of rock! \m/

Nationwide, an estimated 20,000 families have fallen below the poverty line as a result of Wal-Mart’s expansion. Bastards.

Young America’s political views are negatively affected by the Daily Show. Wow, you mean we're not depressed by the fact that this country is run by two political parties that are both so ridiculous that comedians barely even have to try to make them funny?

Robots can be used to interact with, communicate with and control roaches. Now the only things left on this planet after the shit hits the fan are roaches, AND the tiny robots that we use to control them!

This Washington Post article highlights gross incompetency at the US Army Corps of Engineers which has not changed over the past 60 years. US ACE is allowed to endorse any project where the economic benefits to private parties exceed the cost of the project. The cost-benefit analysis often overlooks the value of human life and environmental benefits. Most of the funding for these projects comes from earmarks, money set aside in legislation for specific projects, which are often regional and pushed by specific members of Congress trying to bring economic benefits to their districts to get themselves re-elected, i.e. “pork-barrel politics”. Many of the projects are embarrassingly bad ideas. The article has an infuriating analysis of how US ACE screwed New Orleans by not preparing the city for Katrina.