Here are the top 5 stories that have me sitting in a bunker wearing an aluminum foil hat this week. Thank god for cable internet!

5. An enormous and bizarre hexagon has been spotted hovering over Saturn’s surface. Scientists are baffled. I’ll wager that it’s an environmentally-engineered biodome for Saturners who survived the prehistoric destruction of the planet’s ecosystem. Inside, they are developing spacecraft and weapons which they will use to steal our planet and suck the living souls from our flesh.
4. Pulses of yellow light have been shown to reversibly “silence” brain cells. Scientists hope that this technology can be used to treat diseases such as epilepsy and Parkinson’s disease, which are caused by excess neural activity. I don’t buy this whole “yellow light for fighting disease” story. It seems apparent to me that they are developing mind-controlling yellow light laser guns to turn us into zombie cavalry to send to Saturn to annihilate those soul-sucking aliens.
3. Using new models, British scientists have found that among the countries most at risk for asteroid impacts are China, the U.S. and Japan. Modelling asteroid impact, or engineering British global domination? Why else would they study the precise human and economic impacts of an “asteroid” (read: nuclear missile) impact?
2. An extremely rare, long-whiskered owl was spotted in the wild for the first time in Peru. The small, strange-looking owl was unknown until 1978 and had previously only been found caught in nets that had been left out at night. Or could it be a genetically-engineered biobot spy, designed to infiltrate conservation circles, converting unsuspecting environmentalists into avid and wasteful consumers?
1. A new antidepression initiative in England will make computer-based therapy available to the entire population starting in April 2007. Or have the computers finally convinced the health officials that this is a good idea? If I were a computer (clearly bent on global domination), I wouldn’t be trying to cheer these mildly depressed people up. I would be using my supercomputer powers to manipulate the humans to do my bidding by building a massive titanium robot body which I could remotely control to rule London by force. Wouldn’t you?

After a slight bout of blogger’s block, I present to you the top 5 science stories I should have posted about these past two weeks:

5. Salmonella outbreak linked to peanut butter. And watch what you do with that jelly, will you?
4. Ocean discovered deep within Earth. Or haven’t you heard? And yet, if the ocean was found on Mars, Bush would have detailed half the State Department there to set up a marina and golf course.
3. MIT student invents wall-crawling device. Next, a Harvard student will invent and put to use a wall lubricant, causing the MIT student to become injured falling from Boston’s highest building. Next, the Harvard student will follow the limping MIT student to his superhero hideout, only to cleverly capture him in an elaborate scheme that will result in his slow, yet imminent demise. Zoinks, audience, will our hero be rescued? The riveting tale will continue after these messages…
2. A new symbol for radiation danger has been developed:
   Or does it mean “get the hell out of the way when a UFO is firing lasers at you, or those soulless aliens will zap the living flesh from your body and you will be reduced to a pile of rubble with only your skull intact”?

1. And, although it’s not really science, I find myself unable to avoid commenting on Astronaut Lisa Nowak’s apparent decline into jealous stalking and lovesick insanity. I attended a panel discussion featuring Lisa Nowak and the rest of the STS-121 crew prior to my September ‘06 post, Astronauts Are Cool, and I stand by that assessment. She was cool. And funny, intelligent and collected. It was these qualities (and a nice supply of diapers) that drove her from Texas to Florida to hunt down the woman who did her wrong. Yes, Lisa Nowak was misguided and led solely by her emotions, but this is a woman who was willing to risk her life by travelling into space in the spirit of exploration. And she was equipped with only nonlethal weapons: a pellet gun, pepper spray, and a really terrible outfit. So really, she meant no harm. She just wanted to kick that love-stealing woman’s butt, astronaut style. And if a male astronaut had acted the same way, it likely wouldn’t have even made the local news.

Last June, I posted about the “cosmic event” that decommissioned the main camera on board the Hubble Space Telescope (See “Hubble Memory Erased by Aliens”). Fortunately, super-intelligent humans managed to fix it from Earth two weeks later. (Take that alien scum!) Now another extraterrestrial terrorist attack has occurred: two more cameras have gone offline. And this time they may never be repaired. How could we let this happen? Don’t we realize the aliens will think they’ve won? Even if Hubble doesn’t get fixed, it looks like we’re (probably) sending some astronauts up there in 2008 to make a show of it. There is still hope. If the aliens think that sabotaging the Hubble will do any serious damage to humanity, then maybe they’ll be stupid enough to think we’re actually fixing it.

(Surely I jest. Of course the information gathered by the Hubble could have huge implications for humanity. But have we seen them yet? Seriously, feel free to comment. Even I am not completely sure whether I’m pro- or anti-Hubble right now…)

New research has found that black diamonds, or carbonato diamonds, are of extraterrestrial origin. All other known types of diamonds were formed deep within the Earth and are mined from the volcanic rock which transports them to the surface. Black diamonds, however, are not found alongside other diamonds and are found only in Brazil and the Central African Republic. The researchers determined that black diamonds contained increased hydrogen content, supporting the previous hypothesis that black diamonds were formed in supernovae. Supernovae are stellar explosions which produce extremely bright balls of plasma, often briefly outshining whole galaxies before fading to obscurity. When black diamonds reached Earth, they were an astronomic size of one kilometer or greater. So, what better way to affirm your cosmic connection than proposing with an oversized black diamond solitaire? No need to worry your intergalactic soul mate with the factoid that black diamonds are in fact cheaper than most other diamonds. And really, who cares when you could wear a piece of a fallen star on your hand? That’s got to be good luck.

Here’s an activity for couples both old and young. Benefits include hanging out in the dark and not talking. The best meteor shower of the year will begin on Wednesday around 9 PM and will get even better into the early hours of Thursday morning. So why not spend your night outside, on a blanket in some cold, dark, rural field with your sweetie (and perhaps some spirits) to warm you up? If it totally sucks, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to wish on a star that you’re somewhere else - maybe even somewhere warmer, louder, and, dare I say, more fun.

Although the jury is still out on whether there is, or ever was, water on Mars, the best evidence yet to support the case was released today. New images show that water could have flowed on the planet within the last seven years. While not quite canals,changes in two “gullies” suggest liquid water may have flowed on Mars’ surface recently and may still squirt out periodically. When comparing images of the planet’s surface collected since 2000, new, lightly colored areas were found which could be sediment deposited by recent water flow. And any indication of liquid water gets everyone excited about the potentiality of life on Mars. But, hey, I’m thinking two steps ahead. Dead life on Mars could mean fossil fuels. So, why not start our interplanetary empire with some good old fashioned, industrial-style air pollution?

Closer to home, you have likely heard of NASA’s new plan to colonize the moon by 2024. The plan is not only to have permanent presence on the moon, but to eventually use it as a spaceport for travellers on their way to more distant locations. The spaceport would not only be a rockin’ slumber party, but hydrogen and oxygen mined from the lunar surface could also be used to make the water and rocket fuel required for long-distance spaceflight… And maybe we’ll find gold there too, so the astronauts can travel in style while they’re on the way to mine for oil on Mars.

Even closer to home, Thursday’s planned nighttime launch of the space shuttle Discovery will likely be delayed due to cloudy conditions. The mission is planned to be an 12-day round trip to the International Space Station. If the shuttle does launch on Thursday night, and you’re on the East Coast of USA from Florida to New York, you may be able to see the launch in the night sky. It should appear as a pulsating, orange shooting star several minutes after liftoff. If you miss the launch (or if it’s delayed), the same effect can likely be achieved by sitting on the side of the road and waiting for someone to throw a cigarette at you (which, I might add, is littering).

And, on a much underappreciated planet Earth, new satellite data shows that global warming is likely causing a decrease in marine life. The overall warming of the planet results in warmer oceans, which have now been linked to a decrease in phytoplankton, tiny marine plants which are at the root of the marine food web. Who’s surprised that this story that got the least press this week? Doom and gloom just doesn’t seem to be popular these days. The gloomiest part is that this finding could result in a viscous cycle, where increased carbon dioxide levels cause global warming, which causes a decrease in phytoplankton, which take up carbon dioxide from the atmosphere by photosynthesis, resulting in enhanced carbon dioxide levels, further driving global warming. No worries, though. We’re all going to Mars in our gold-coated rocket ships powered by lunar jet-fuel to mine for water and oil. If there’s intelligent life anywhere in this solar system, I’m betting on Mars.

In a space walk from the International Space Station (ISS) next Wednesday, cosmonaut Mikhail Tyurin will whack several golf balls off into space. It’s all part of a publicity stunt - not for NASA, the Russian space agency (Roskosmos), or even a space tourism company. This particular stunt will be done to promote a new line of golf clubs made by Element 21. Yes, golf clubs. I wonder how much this costs. Could anyone with enough cash pay an astronaut to perform in space? Could you, for example, could get an astronaut onboard the ISS to wear leather and lipsync to Bohemian Rhapsody while eating M&Ms out of mid-air? Clearly this is an issue of taste. Golf clubs seem far more refined than Queen. But it begs the question: How much is really for sale? In a world where even Paris Hilton can have dreams of buying her way into space, we should be careful where we draw the line between financing exploration and cheapening the scientific return. For now we should be safe if we stick to the old Anchorman standby and keep it classy… Or just go ahead and sell out human spaceflight to the elite to use the money for real science.

P.S. Please excuse the lack of posting over the last two weeks. I’ve been totally stressed with work stuff while also attempting a massive birthday celebration. You’ll be happy to know that I have cleansed myself of all stressors and the like by a new nano-therapy where nanobots are injected directly into your cerebrospinal fluid, after which they gradually work their way into your brainstem, where they use tiny lasers to beam positive energy into all of your chakras. So now I’m, like, totally mellow and ready to hit you up with more blog posts sometime soon.

A few weeks ago I reported that Yahoo will be laser-beaming a digital time capsule into space (Read: Shameless publicity stunt). Anyone who wants to contribute digital media (such as myself) can do so here. I thought I’d follow up by reporting on an opportunity for those who are feeling slightly less creative, but wish to contribute to something that will actually be launched into space, thus making the whole laser idea appear incredibly lame. NASA’s Dawn spacecraft will explore the asteroid belt carrying a microchip with the names of anyone who chooses to submit one. And you can print out a certificate to prove that your name will be launched into space. To get into space with as little effort as possible, go here for one-click space-keteering.

Warning: This offer expires on November 4, 2006.

Newly discovered bacteria are thriving two miles underground in groundwater which has been cut off from the surface for millions of years. Rather than using chemical energy produced at some point by photosynthesis, the bacteria make a living completely off of energy produced by radioactive decay - a first for any known form of life. This demonstrates another barrier broken by life on Earth and has huge implications regarding the possibility of life on other planets. The extended existence of these bacteria in an ecosystem completely isolated from, and presumably unaffected by, the surface of the planet suggests that life could exist on a planet where the surface has long been devoid of life. This gives new hope to those who hope to find signs of life on Mars. Let’s just not get too optimistic when we tear apart other worlds in search of anything that so much as looks like a cell. So far, finding life everywhere we look seems only to be the rule on Earth.

Yahoo is collecting digital media for a laser time capsule which will be beamed into the past and the future - the “past” being an ancient pyramid in Mexico and the “future” being space. What genius dreamed that up? Hmm, what’s more futuristic than outer space? And something ancient… I know, a pyramid! Yahoo is clearly meant to be “the present,” but that one’s not quite so obvious. Google easily overshadowed Yahoo’s ridiculous publicity stunt with a simple takeover of YouTube. But if you’re like me and still want your picture lasered onto the ommotidia of some poor helpless extraterrestrial’s compound eye, you can submit it to the time capsule here.